Archive for the ‘On Love, Happiness and Sorrow’ Category

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Dear Future Boyfriend,

I’d like you to know that you will be “in” for a very big challenge. I have to warn you that I won’t keep things easy for you. I won’t apologize for the difficult things you will have to go thru just to be with me because I assure you, I am all worth it. LOL, I am serious dude! I kept my heart well-guarded for years and the first time it fell, it fell hard and it betrayed me. I am broke and awfully regretful. I have to admit I didn’t give it my best. That love would have been my first and last but it’s unfortunate how it ends so tragically. As a result, I am more doubtful than ever, so please forgive me if I will have the audacity to question your love. I might break up with you once or twice in the course of understanding true love but it doesn’t mean I don’t love you anymore. If I happen to break up with you, please find it in your heart to see what’s inside mine. Please don’t give up on me and be man enough to win me back. I want to prove your worth and when you do, I am all yours. No buts, No ifs! Future Boyfriend, I’d like you to know that I want to have guidelines or more like rules in our relationship. I know love shouldn’t be like that. It shouldn’t be. But I grew up following rules and I can’t do without it. I just would like to know the basics. What will make you angry, what will make you happy? I want to have a list of those things. Hilarious, isn’t it? Well, don’t complain. I want us to co-exist you know. I want to know my limits where your emotions are concerned. You won’t find it difficult to deal with me, I swear. When I am angry to you, you don’t really need to apologize. Just buy me ice cream, ube flavor that is! I won’t require you to say sorry but it will be most appreciated if you say so. You’re already forgiven. Ice cream does wonders to a girl like me. For the record, I like chicken too; the 12-peso buttered chicken sold in streets is my favorite of them all. I am not much on fancy dining but when I treat you to one, I hope you just will give me the opportunity to make you feel special. I don’t know how to make you feel special, that’s the only thing that seems to come out of my crazy little head. But don’t freak out, I’ll learn how to cook for you. I am so willing to please you if you just be kind enough to let me know how too. Yes, I am a busy gal but I’ll do it for you. I have a forehead with a “BUSY” tag on it and I hope you don’t mind. Please don’t scurry away thinking that I won’t have time for you. I can juggle work, family, and love all together with your cooperation. It wouldn’t be that hard. Please don’t feel neglected or worse feel unloved. If I don’t love you anymore you will be the first to know. I learned from a previous relationship that a guy doesn’t have any inkling on what a woman is thinking, especially a woman like me. I am hard to read, I admit with much remorse that I play mind games to make sure the guy really loves me. I hate myself for doing that but I cannot regret much more. What is done is done and what is lost is lost. I lost my first love but I learned that very good lesson though. I loved to be chased just like most of the girls. You see, I am a book worm. I read a lot of novels that tells me that a man will always fight for the woman he loves. Unfortunately, that’s so 21st century right? Men now a day wouldn’t be so gallant to risk everything for the woman he loves. I learned that too. My previous loved didn’t chase after me, he walked the other way, farther from me, out of my sight. I lost him during the chase. I am sorry for myself but that’s love, somehow you have to let go of the person you are so crazy about. You cannot fence them. I learned that the hard way and guess what? I won’t do that again. When I find you, I won’t fence you but I’ll make sure though that you will never get out of my clutches. Hahahahaha. I will not be the hesitant little girl that I am in the previous relationship. I will give you all that you deserve. I will love you with no reservations. While waiting for you future boyfriend, I’ve decided to make myself better. I will try to learn how to cook and work on my personality. I will treat myself the best I could because should you come around soon, I then can treat you so much better. Don’t be afraid, I won’t choke you with that so-called attention. I won’t act like your mom does of course but I can’t promise. I might when the situation calls for it. I’d like to take care of you and since I am an eldest child, I might be overbearing sometimes. I have the tendency to be overprotective and I have a tendency to be a little bossy. But you love me right? That’s part of the package. Don’t worry I know where I stand and I cannot be all too bossy, so you don’t have a reason to dread that I might be a cranky gf. Another thing future bf, I value family more than anything. If you love me, I expect you to love my family the same because I sure will treat your family like mine. I might be too friendly with your mom. I intend to be friendly with her. I would want her to like me a lot. And so,,, I might get her gifts. That’s a token of appreciation that she took care of you and you are what you are now because of her. I want to be as close as I could to the person who knows you more than anyone in this world.

Future bf, please be patient with me. It’s hard for me to say “I love you” as often as your previous gf does but I’ll try to be comfortable with the word. I am not raised to be an affectionate person and I know that somehow I need to express it. I will confuse you sometimes. Me and my big mouth is so hard to calculate and I hope you will have enough patience to understand my misgivings.

Future bf please take your time. You can wander around and hopefully you are enjoying your life to the fullest now even when I am not yet around. Help yourself and give yourself time to grow. I just got out from a painful mess and am still nursing an ailing hypothalamus. I want to pick up the broken pieces myself, praying intently that you will come only after I completely heal. I don’t want to throw another love away. Please wait when I am ready. I can wait…. I can still wait. When you finally feel in your heart that it’s the right time, my doors and windows are wide open for you. See you :-)

Yesterday I unexpectedly bump into one of my few close friends way back in high school. I’m no surprise that she’s getting married soon to my secret crush in high school. Who would have thought? They are an odd pair. But anyway, they were good friends in college and to cut it short fell in love with one another. Good for them. Anyway, he is my “secret crush”. This friend of mine never had an inkling that I had an eye for her guy years ago. Nobody knows except maybe for Sheryl who learnt it just recently. I am a keeper of secrets you know. This guy is no way near my ideal man now but he is a good catch. You see, I have an offbeat choice of guys when I was younger. I like a quiet guy who will just seat in the corner and always had his eyes on his books or at the trees nearby. I hate a guy who is always with the guys. I for one am never interested with good looking guys unlike girls my age. I was never interested with the popular guy in the campus. They will just make me growl.  I go gaga over brainy guys though. Brainy and reserved guys for me are a perfect combination. As I grow older, I changed my preferences. I don’t know why but all of a sudden I find silent men boring and plainly uninteresting. Intelligent guys? Not much! I’d go for guys with humor and a guy with a sensitive heart. Way back in college I don’t remember finding any interesting guy. Maybe because I took up Psychology and most of the guys from my class are not the type of guy I see myself with in the future, not even at that moment. I was so into schooling too. So many expectations from the people around me and so I was suppressing whatever attraction I might have for the opposite sex. I felt I had better things to do. Now? I think I know better. I guess and I hope I do. I’d like to find not just a guy but a man, man enough to chase after me. A man who has a generous dose of sensitivity in his heart. A man who knows the difference between intelligence and wisdom. A man who knows that silence could also be a great humor. A man who could stand my complexities. A man who knows when to be silent. A man who has great faith in God of course. A man who values family more than anything. A man who allows me to just be me. A man who allows me to show my weaknesses and appreciate my strengths. And most of all, A man who will never ever give up on me.
 
 Where is this man???
 
Women and men alike now a days are looking for someone with thick bank accounts. How sad… I just don’t know what’s with the new trend. My father will always tell me that it matters not how much a man earns. So true… What to fear? I have a good job he said. Not enough if I will have a family of my own though. But with a hardworking man on my side, it will be more than enough. My father speaks from experience I supposed. He never got a degree but he tried his hardest to get us where we are now. I am so damn proud of him! A man with a good heart is most important he said and I agree with him. I will be lucky to find a man half as good as my father. When I find him? I will never let him go and I know he won’t let me go either.

 

A Promise

Posted: April 28, 2013 in On Love, Happiness and Sorrow

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After a very bad heartbreak early this year, I keep reminding myself that if god asks me to put something down, it’s only because he wants me to pick up something greater.  I’m looking at the brighter side of life after all this is how things are supposed to be. I have to let go. I wouldn’t feel any better if I stayed in the relationship anyway. This is how it should be.

Then there came you… I wonder if I pick up something greater this time.

Last night you showed me yet again another side of you. How could you stay up all night? Why did you wait until almost 2:00 am for me?  Why do you have to care this much? You see, I was out with friends. I was out almost forgetting that I had a lot of unanswered calls and unread messages from you. Hmmm wait… I didn’t forget, it’s more like I just ignored those messages. I, for the millionth times took you for granted. My God, how could I be so insensitive?  You must be very worried.

Why am I doing this to you? Why? Maybe because I’d like to test your patience, your understanding, your love and all your worth. I want to check how far you can go to get me to love you. I’d like to know what will make you give up. I’d like to know if a single sword aimed to your heart is enough to kill you. Ain’t I cruel? I have to admit, I never want this. I hate doing this but I can’t help it. Why do I have the guts to do this to you? To you of all people who loves me more than anything.  I am so sorry YOU. Just stay still and please don’t give up… I hope dear heart will recognize soon that it’s you who will make her whole again.

After I realize that I did pick up something greater this time, I will make it up to you.

 That’s a promise…

 

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I heard a woman screamed challenging me to jump up and get inside the truck. Then I feel her offered her hand to reach out to me. She wanted me to be saved but I failed her. I wasn’t saved. I think I wasn’t.  I got stuck. They left me. The woman… I sensed her eyes on me. She was sorry I didn’t make it. I will be alone I thought. Then I heard the familiar sound of my phone. Someone texted me, salvation came after all.  I am back to reality, thank God, I was truly scared.

“Hi Pida, muztamos? Really miss Cebu,” There goes that familiar greetings again. So much for thinking I will be saved.  I fought with myself not to let my fingers do something that my brain is telling her. I am irritated with the man. What is he doing? Does he mean to torture me? Anyway, I replied back. Woman… She couldn’t help it. She will die if she won’t. So, I let her just one time.

I told him I was fine and asked if he misses me as well. Stupid! I detest that he is too charming to be ignored. But what can I do I have very weak defenses where he is concern. And that was where everything begins, just one hello and I am all over him again. Can I kill myself? Like right now? This is an unending paralyzing cycle and I can’t assure myself if I can get out of this alive.

Sheryl said that I shouldn’t interpret whatever a man said or do as love. She said that flat on my face and I still don’t get it.  I gather I barely understand it. What can I do? He is at his most charming, most appealing self again. Asshole! He said he misses me? Probably he was just trying to be nice again. He asked me to check his Facebook saying he is more handsome now than I could remember. [Laughs] Sometimes, with all the confidence he has, I think he is drugged. Anyway, I told him I deleted him as a friend. There… I told him I have to do it but I didn’t explain. I won’t explain anymore. I tried to express my feelings last time and he just cut me off. If he still has feelings Sheryl said that a man will jump at any chance he has. He never did, instead he clearly made me feel that he has nothing to do with it anymore. Poor me…

Now there goes this familiar feeling again. Drawn… drawn to him. I feel locked in the present. The past… it’s tempting me to go back…

Made me think that the woman in my dream could be my friend Sheryl, trying her best to save me. She has been there and she feels for me. That I’m sure! She commiserates with me. Or the woman could be me. I am a disappointment to myself. L I cannot believe I let this happen. I cannot believe that I allow myself to watch as I bleed. I am a frustration to the strong woman who once never yields. I hope she will once again find the courage to toughen up. She will, one day. I know she will…

Until You

Posted: April 28, 2013 in On Love, Happiness and Sorrow

I just finished the book Sheryl gave me as a birthday present. The woman really knows how to choose a book for me. She must have known me very well. [Smiles]. I love the book. I like it so much that I was glued to it until the wee hours of the morning. I tend to read past 1:00 am. Had my eyes been very cooperative, I would have read it cover to cover which would probably mean I’ll get my sleep until the next day. [wink]

The story is infectious. I fell in love with the man named Stephen just like the way I fell in love with Alex my Knight in Shining Armor. He is very kind but will never admit it. Everyone feared him that no one dare crossed him except of course the heroine Sheeridan in the novel. He could be very exasperating too because he is someone who will hide his feelings at all cost. To be true he reminded me of someone. Someone who’s very good at hiding his feelings.  Darn him…Someone that I want to learn how to hate more that I’ve already learned to love him. All I need is to master the skill of loathing everything about him even those that are good. Stephen by the way is very protective too and it made me fall for him even more. I love men who love to protect their woman especially if they ought to protect the woman’s feelings. I find it cute that he finds the things that would have been considered weird undeniably desirable. Maybe because, I am a weird woman myself. I love the fact that he never let go of the woman he loves. I envied Sheeridan. If only the apple of my eyes was brave enough. If only…

I can’t help but hope I was more like Sheeridan . Bold, honest and brave enough to hold on to anything of a hopeless case. Other than that she’s a woman who knows what she wants, I don’t. She knows he loved the man right there and then. I didn’t know I truly love him until he was gone. Like Sheryl, Sheeridan loves to be chased but unlike Sheeridan , Sheryl and I doesn’t seem to know when to stop. We pushed men at the edge of the cliff  that the only plausible thing they could do is to save themselves from the harm we inflict. Sheeridan’s charm got him. Sheryl and I are charming in our own rights. Not long ago our charm got them but unfortunately they are not man enough to contain it.

I finished the novel thinking to rewrite my life especially my love life. From the beginning when I haven’t shed as much tears yet. Until maybe … until he came…

I Hate You

Posted: April 28, 2013 in On Love, Happiness and Sorrow

I HATE YOU!!! I hate you so much I’d like to break every single limb that you have. I’ll find satisfaction at seeing you bleed and throwing whatever is left of you at the nearest septic tank. Cruel? Nah, I like it better when I hate you because only then I am safe. In fact, that’s the safest I could be. I hope to detest you even after you breathe your last. I hate you.

You my dear deserve this hatred. You are an uncanny man, determined enough to break my walls and charming enough to make me enjoy seeing it fall. There I was welcoming you with open arms. You lured me into believing that I will always have you. I hate you for making me see more than I could handle. I hate you for making me believe all that is good and less mindful of any contradicting forces around. I hate all of you because you teach the word I’ve been meaning to ignore at all cost. You teach me “LOVE”. I should be pleased, this feeling should be happy but how could it be? Before I knew it you left bringing my heart with you. I hate you.

Now I lost my heart to you. What have you done? You know my heart so well and her desires but it will be the death of her to cling to the silly hopes you gave. She became the most stubborn of all hearts since you came. I have to reprimand her to stop whatever craziness she has. “YOU” is not the man she needs nor wants. And yet… I can’t stop her.

I hate you… I hate you… But please come back. Come back and bring with you all these memories. Should this only make me miserable, I’m willing to give it all back to you no buts, no ifs.  You forgot it when you left. These memories will see to my grave. I don’t need it; please take all these with you….Image

 

I have to scold her tonight. Tonight in the privacy of our room, I will be harsh with her. I will tell her what she doesn’t wanna hear nor feel. Tonight, I know I’m going to make her cry. Tonight, she has no choice but to sit and look at me straight in the eyes. I won’t turn the lights off, I wanted to see her. I wanted to gauge her depth. Her pain I am going to see even when it feared me.

Today, she cried over Celine Dion’s song “I love you Goodbye.” That’s so silly of her! It was a long ride to her office and I will have to endure with her while the song was played. I have to stop her from shedding her tears. I have to remind her she is in a public place, in the jeepney, where she is conspicuous to everyone. I have to breathe for her. Her emotions I have to control. Damn the woman, she is a pain in the ass. Always is….

A few months back she told me it feels right. He will have him back, she was very certain. She was so sure I didn’t dare argue with her. I told her to take it slow, reminded her of how impetuous she could be when it comes to the matters of the heart. I warned her it would hurt if reality hits her the other way. She has to ask the question straight. She has to know. To know, she has to confront the other person. But she never listened. Her intuition is never wrong, she told me. It is always about her feelings and I didn’t argue with her. I believed her. She could be very naive and I thought I’d let her be.

I let her be because I know she can handle herself. She is a strong woman after all. I have seen her laugh too hard and cried like hell but she never loses her grace to control the situation. So easy for her to regain her composure and I love that about her. If I stopped her from crying this morning, I will let her cry tonight. Tonight she can mourn over her lost and I will have to put some sense into her head. I will be ruthless. I won’t hold back because I know she needed it.

Yes, Callasandra just cry. Just cry and let it out. You never listened to me. When you left him you never asked me. When you crossed the Rubicon, you never consulted me. You ignored my presence. You pay no heed to what I have to say. You have the tendency to over-analyze things and this time you once again gone overboard. I am sad for you but I never pitied you. Your tears are mine and I detest seeing it falling like rain thru the mirror. I could see the pain and it felt so real.

Haven’t I told you that when you decide to close the door you have to inform him you don’t keep it lock? You have to tell him its open and he can come in anytime? You haven’t told him that, have you? Of course you didn’t because you have so much pride in you.  You expected him to understand. You assumed your subtle ways are clear. Callasandra… Calasandra… He is a man. A man of will and the choice is his. He chooses not to see behind that closed door. What have you done? You drove him away.

I forgive you for crying yesterday. I will even understand you cried today, and yet again tonight. But please don’t cry tomorrow…. Please don’t cry again tomorrow. Tomorrow, I will buy you hotdogs and you can eat icecream all you want….. Be happy for him… Let go.